You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He? As in you personified your dick?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
