I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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