Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
