Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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