Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize