Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
