you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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