at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize