he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
