I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
