can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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