im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
