that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
