You smell like stripper and shame
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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