I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
