also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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