i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
