Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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