last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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