I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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