VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
