I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
