you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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