I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
