I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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