I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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