We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize