I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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