Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
