I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
