she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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