Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
