yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
