my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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