Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
