My brain says no but my pants say off.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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