im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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