So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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