I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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