I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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