can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
