made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
