i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
