5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize