He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
