Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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