I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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