Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
