Im at strip club and am horny
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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