I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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