I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
