i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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