You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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